JSEB
Essays
How I Fell In With that
Stewart-Character
by Sherry (Mayuki@aol.com)
August 10, 1999
Before I start in on this
long winded tale of hormonal distress a few background notes:
1. I will buy anything
with Cherry Poppin' Daddies
2. I have this unabated
fetish for guys who dress nice
Okay.
It was about January I
started haunting e-bay incessantly for this KROQ Christmas CD. It had a whole
impressive list of great bands slandering the holiday. CompLete by me. I noticed,
in passing, a name I found irresistible. No, not SANTA, Jon Stewart.
My first instinct was to
say, "Oh, yeah, he's cool," although I was not entirely sure if I knew he was
cool at the time. Whatever. i woI the CD off of ebay and was as gleeful as a
cat in heat. (sorry) Looking at it I noticed the title of Jon's track and winced
appropriately.
"A Very Hanson Christmas"?
This was gonna be interesting.
From the get go, his voice hypnotized me and I pretty much didn't listen to
the words, just the tone. I hit the repeat button. Then my ears focused in on
the evil words...
"To whom it may concern,
Ho Ho Ho. Zach has herpes.
Happy now?"
And I laughed until not
only had I fallen out of bed, but I had fallen out of my house. Behind Jon's
biting musings was a eerie bells rendition of that Bells song. For most the
rest of the night, I listened to it.
Jon...playing a woman?!
Gives a whole new meaning to the estrogen thing. He doesn't annoyingly change
his vocal patterns (I might have blushed otherwise). He just left it to me to
realize he is playing mama Hanson, and devishly well too. And after about listening
to it for 43 times straight, I was utterly convinced.
He is funny. Damn funny.
And if anyone said otherwise I'd have to hurt them.
He is deliriously sexy.
Not your run of the mill male model "you want to sleep with me" sexy. Scary
sexy (not to be confused with Scary Spice.) And this was all before I got a
good hard look at that face. Added with the graying hair, I am reduced to well,
an estrogen brigade one my very own.
Dammit, he can act! And
personally, I think he would have made a perfect young Anakin Skywalker- who's
with me!
With that voice too, especially
in that recording, two words: Sean Connery. Um, not that Jon has a Scottish
accent in it, although numerous Fat Bastard references would probably be made.
Say, who else was jealous of Mike Myers when he came out and accosted Jon? I
know I was. Wow, I started off this paragraph with a purpose. Whoops.
I feel like a cup of hot
cocoa and snuggling in a big blanket and listening to Mr.Stewart discuss how
the three angelic transies have forsaken him, their mother.
(Of course, it's August
and I live in Las Vegas, I would burn up on impact.)
http://www.angelfire.com/nv/Snakiness/index.html
Last updated September 2,
2002.
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