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How I Fell In With that Stewart-Character
by Sherry (
August 10, 1999

Before I start in on this long winded tale of hormonal distress a few background notes:

1. I will buy anything with Cherry Poppin' Daddies

2. I have this unabated fetish for guys who dress nice


It was about January I started haunting e-bay incessantly for this KROQ Christmas CD. It had a whole impressive list of great bands slandering the holiday. CompLete by me. I noticed, in passing, a name I found irresistible. No, not SANTA, Jon Stewart.

My first instinct was to say, "Oh, yeah, he's cool," although I was not entirely sure if I knew he was cool at the time. Whatever. i woI the CD off of ebay and was as gleeful as a cat in heat. (sorry) Looking at it I noticed the title of Jon's track and winced appropriately.

"A Very Hanson Christmas"?

This was gonna be interesting. From the get go, his voice hypnotized me and I pretty much didn't listen to the words, just the tone. I hit the repeat button. Then my ears focused in on the evil words...

"To whom it may concern,

Ho Ho Ho. Zach has herpes. Happy now?"

And I laughed until not only had I fallen out of bed, but I had fallen out of my house. Behind Jon's biting musings was a eerie bells rendition of that Bells song. For most the rest of the night, I listened to it.

Jon...playing a woman?! Gives a whole new meaning to the estrogen thing. He doesn't annoyingly change his vocal patterns (I might have blushed otherwise). He just left it to me to realize he is playing mama Hanson, and devishly well too. And after about listening to it for 43 times straight, I was utterly convinced.

He is funny. Damn funny. And if anyone said otherwise I'd have to hurt them.

He is deliriously sexy. Not your run of the mill male model "you want to sleep with me" sexy. Scary sexy (not to be confused with Scary Spice.) And this was all before I got a good hard look at that face. Added with the graying hair, I am reduced to well, an estrogen brigade one my very own.

Dammit, he can act! And personally, I think he would have made a perfect young Anakin Skywalker- who's with me!

With that voice too, especially in that recording, two words: Sean Connery. Um, not that Jon has a Scottish accent in it, although numerous Fat Bastard references would probably be made. Say, who else was jealous of Mike Myers when he came out and accosted Jon? I know I was. Wow, I started off this paragraph with a purpose. Whoops.

I feel like a cup of hot cocoa and snuggling in a big blanket and listening to Mr.Stewart discuss how the three angelic transies have forsaken him, their mother.

(Of course, it's August and I live in Las Vegas, I would burn up on impact.)

Last updated September 2, 2002.



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